how to follow your heart : the first article I ever wrote

kindred spirit magazineI wrote this article in 2007, and it changed my life. Before writing it, I’d never written anything other than songs, poems andsome sporadic journal ramblings. Yet it got published in Kindred Spirit. People then started writing to me saying how much the article had affected them, how they’d been inspired to take the training as a result of reading my article and how they’d experienced a similar yearning to the one I address in the article - it’s all very well being told to ‘just follow your heart’, but how exactly does one learn to do that?  Happily, the Energy Awareness Training was the answer to my prayers. And, six years on, still is.

So I thought it needed to be here – the article that inspired me to become a professional writer, written on the day I realised I was an everyday alchemist – and the story behind the life I lead now!

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A year and a half ago, in a field in East Sussex, I saw a man standing in meadow, dressed in white, up to his knees in wildflowers and in the middle of what looked like a dynamic energy practice. I’ve practiced yoga, t’ai chi and chi gong, but this was unlike anything I’d seen before. I watched him for a while, rhythmically moving his arms, coordinating movement with his breath, and I knew I had to find out what he was doing.

    I approached him after he’d finished. We started talking and he began to tell me about the exercise he’d been doing. It was called ‘Falling Lightning’, and was just one of a number of practices he’d learnt on a course called the Energy Awareness Training. He went on to explain that when practised facing a particular direction, Falling Lightning would bring more energy into an area of his life. I was already a bit lost at this point, so happily he agreed to tell me more. So we sat in the meadow, with the sun shining high, and carried on our conversation.

    He pulled out a pen and paper from his bag and drew an 8 pointed star. On each point he wrote a compass direction, and then for each direction wrote a corresponding energy. East was health, West was creativity, North was work & career and so on. He continued to explain that we all receive these eight energies, or ‘Life Ki’s’ from the specific directions, and how much of the energy we receive depends on the energies within us. By practising falling Lightning facing South West, he was beckoning more partnership ki, or energy, into his life.

    This was a complete revelation to me. I had no idea these life energies existed as something flowing from somewhere, and not only did they exist, but they could be harnessed and used! I’d heard before that feng shui used the directions in the home to improve certain areas of the homeowners life, but never before heard someone explain how that could be possible.

Inside I was jumping up and down with excitement, and I knew that a new way of experiencing the world was about to dawn. I’d been shown a door, and I couldn’t wait to open it.

    I asked him if he’d teach me the practice. He was reluctant, as it was only a small part of the weekend training he’d taken, and if I wanted to see the bigger picture I’d have to take the training myself. He explained that if I wanted more money, for example, and started practicing Falling Lightning facing southeast to beckon more wealth, then I would be acting on my desires, which may or may not be what I really need. If I took the training I’d learn how to sense which direction my energy, or spirit, needed me to face. In essence, I’d be handing over the steering wheel from my mind to my heart. Perhaps I would test positive on facing northwest, to bring more helpful people into my life, which could in turn, bring an opportunity to make more money (thus resolving a lack of wealth ki). I started to understand that it may not simply be a matter of getting more of what I want, but learning to identify what it is I really need.

    Despite what he’d told me, I still didn’t want him to go without teaching me the exercise! He eventually gave in, on the condition that I’d call Stephen and Lynda in the Pyrenees who ran the Energy Awareness Training within the next few weeks. I agreed. Ten minutes later, I had a new practice, a scribbled on piece of paper… and his phone number! I thanked him for taking the time to sit with me a while and share his experiences, and we went our separate ways. I was later to find out that at the time I first saw him he had been doing Falling Lightning facing South West, beckoning more partnership ki into his life. It had worked, as we later became lovers!

    Weeks passed, and each morning that summer I practiced Falling Lightning. I forgot my agreement to call about the training. That September, I went on a workshop in London, which promised a new way of healing long standing health issues. On the first morning, at registration, a beautiful elderly lady with long flowing grey hair made a bee line for me. I’d noticed her the moment she entered the room. We introduced ourselves, me, a 28 year old wanting to heal a hernia, and her, a 78 year old, wanting to heal a cancer. To say we hit it off is an understatement. It was like two best friends meeting again after years apart. Rather conveniently we were asked to pair up for the days programme, so we spent the rest of the day together.

    Over lunch together, I noticed her doing something strange. When I asked if she needed me to get her bag from the cloakroom, she looked over at the queue, did something with her hand, paused briefly, and then said “No thanks!” I asked her what an earth she had done! She explained that she’d used an energetic test, to see if she needed anything from the cloakroom. And she didn’t! Once again, my curiosity exploded and I asked her to tell me more. All she was doing, she went on to say, was tuning into her energy to see if it went up or down when making a decision. She continued to explain that every choice we make, be it what to eat, who to see, where to go  has an effect on our energy. It will either make our energy go up (ascend) or make it go down (descend). She went on to demonstrate with the miniature feast we had spread before us on the table. Forming a hand position (which from my yoga training I recognised as a mudra) while looking at the different foods, she turned to me and said “yes to bread, olives and houmous, no to the sprouts”. I felt the same excitement in me that I’d felt in the meadow some months before.

    Here was someone showing me that there was a way to actually experience how my energy responds to something I’m about to do. I expressed my enthusiasm over her developed sense of awareness. I thought she must be ‘one of those people’ who are naturally able to sense and perceive energies. At that time, I was always wanting to make the ‘right’ decision but forever getting lost in my head in the process (some might say I was indecisive!). So naturally I was delighted to watch her make a choice based on her energy, and not on what she was thinking! That was a gift I wished I had. I told her how much I’d love to be able to do what she just did. “Well you can learn it darling!” she replied. “It’s this wonderful man in the Pyrenees, he comes over to the UK and gives the most amazing trainings. I’m in my seventies, and have been into these things for over 40 years, been on more workshops than I can remember, and he’s the best I’ve seen.”

    Suddenly it dawned on me that I was hearing about the very same man I’d heard about in the meadow! I couldn’t believe I was hearing about him again! I told her about my experience early that summer, and asked her if he gave trainings in Brighton, which included a practice called Falling Lightning. With a huge smile on her face she said “Yes! There you go. You’ve heard it twice — now take the training!” Needless to say, the very next week, I called Stephen, and booked myself onto the next Living with Energy Awareness Training (LWEAT).

   As I sit here at my desk, eighteen months on from my first LWEAT, I feel different. It’s been a subtle transformation, nothingradical has happened, yet I feel radically different. For over a year I’ve been making decisions based on my energetic needs instead of my wants. This hasn’t been easy to do. And I’ve battled time and time again over whether testing what to drink actually makes any difference. But it does, and the more I live being guided by my spirit instead of my head, the more I see the effect of my choices on my energy. For years whenever people told me to follow my heart it only served to fuel my internal longing to know exactly how one does that! I guess it was that longing that finally lead me to the LWEAT.

    Learning to ‘test’ my energetic response to a decision is one of the things I learnt on the training. The more ascending choices I make, the more energy I have, and the brighter my life becomes. So even the smallest of decisions (like testing what colour top to wear this morning) can increase my awareness energy. A wonderful thing about making decisions based on my energetic needs is that it’s full of surprises. Once I was testing whether to go to see a movie with some friends. I’d been wanting to go for ages, and when I got a ‘no’ to going, I was annoyed. I decided to trust my test and stay at home. Low and behold, an hour later, I got a call from an old friend who was in the area, and who desperately needed help and somewhere to stay the night. I was delighted to hear from her, as I was living in deepest darkest Wales at the time. Had I gone to the cinema, I would have been unable to help her.

    Three years ago I went to see a clairvoyant. He said he could see that in two years time I’d be training in something, but it didn’t involve certificates or qualifications. He said the best way to describe it was that I’d be developing my intuition to the degree that I’d be able to sense the small stuff, like whether or not it was the right time to hang out the nappies on the line. It seemed like an obscure thing to hear at the time, but exactly two years later, having forgotten all about the reading, I found myself on a weekend course learning to do just that! There I learnt how to make decisions based on my energy, and this gave me one of the most empowering gifts I’d ever been given – the power to make conscious choices.

Suddenly it was up to me.

    There’s a lot more to energy awareness than testing my actions. Each day (almost!) I go for a Power Walk. This technique, also taught on the LWEAT, is a great way of releasing certain restrictive energies from my past. I can Power Walk to leave past sorrow behind, or anger, or past loves… to mention just some. And the lighter the load of the past becomes, the more energy I have to be in the present. Just this afternoon, as I stopped at the end of my drive to feel which way my energy was flowing (another learnt technique!), I noticed it was going in the opposite direction to where I wanted to go. I wanted to head to the river, but my energy was heading towards the shops. Reluctantly I followed it. I’ve not yet mastered the ability to always accept the spirit in my life with a smile! A few houses down the road my energy swung to the left, and there, on a fence post, was my favourite hat that I’d lost some days previously! I’d been searching high and low for it, and had I followed my head instead of my energy, I’d still be wondering where it was!

    Now movies, nappies and hats may all seem like pretty minor events, but I’ve also had to make some big decisions using my energy awareness.

    As I mentioned, I was living in Wales in 2005, and had broken up with my son’s father. To keep the peace and to keep things simple I decided to stay in Wales rather than return home to the south coast of England. Life was challenging for me, everything seemed like a struggle. As time went on and my awareness grew, I realised that once again I was following my head, and not my heart. A technique from the LWEAT enables me to experience how much energy I am receiving from the sky. Depending on what my needs are, certain ‘skies’ give me more energy than others. Put simply, some places are better for me than others. And, as I suspected, I was not receiving the energy I needed from the sky in Mid Wales. I tested, and found a ‘positive sky’ in Southampton. So I had a tough choice, stay in Wales and keep the family ‘together’, or move 5 hours away to suit my energetic needs. It wasn’t easy but pretty soon I felt like I had no choice. I was starting to see that if I really wanted to change, to be free of the fears that hold me back, then I’d have to follow my spirit. And as it turned out, moving to Southampton was the best move I made that year.

    So what’s the point of all this? Why bother to test whether to have a coffee or a herbal tea? Why spend time testing what colour clothes to wear? Or what movie to see? Why does it matter? Personally, I recognised a long time ago that there were many aspects of myself that didn’t seem like me. I always felt there was a more real version, hiding under layers of other people’s beliefs. So I started my journey of discovery at 17. Many workshops, courses, and guru’s later, I still felt like I was facing the same issues again & again & again. I’d go on a course, it would gloss over the issue in question – fear, lack of self love e.t.c. – and I’d leave feeling fantastic. But the issues were still there. I didn’t feel like they were actually being transformed. The past 18 months have shown me, albeit with a lot of effort, that real change is possible. In order to go beyond my karmas, and enter into the realm of who I really am, I need all the awareness energy I can muster.

    This is why the small stuff counts as much as the big stuff. Each ascending choice that we make has a positive impact on our future. And these choices generate an accumulation of energy that gives us the strength to face and transform our karmas into higher awareness.

    It’s not a matter of worrying whether or not I’ve made the right decision, its about learning to recognise what it is that I need to do now. I feel like I’m only just beginning to truly see the alchemy in each moment. Doing only what I need to do from moment to moment turns my karmas into higher awareness, my lead into gold.

The Living With Energy Awareness Training is run twice a year in the UK by Stephen and Lynda Kane. Next dates 7/8 April 2012. For more information visit eat.energyawareness.org

My first book, The Everyday Alchemist’s Happiness Handbook, takes up the story of the following five years … using the techniques and skills learnt through living with energy awareness as a pathway to everyday happiness. Order your copy now on Amazon.

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By 20 March, 2012 Filed Under: being here now, feng shui, health + environment Tagged With: , , , , ,

know one’s fool : my experience of training with jonathan kay

'Pilgrim Fool' by Cecil Collins

The first few times I was in Jonathan Kay’s orbit I took a wide berth. Happily those times were at festivals so I had plenty of ways to avoid him. I’d heard rumours. Not unpleasant ones, but ones which made me feel uncomfortable. Twitchy even. Words, whispers and knowing looks that gave me the impression I wouldn’t be able to blend in and watch – that I’d have to be prepared to join in and leave my comfort zone. But I loved my comfort zone, and I was at a festival! I just wanted to relax, not be challenged! So I kept away. Little did I know, had I joined in things would have become far more interesting. Nowadays I’d pay to go to any festival just to see him in action – but it’s taken me a few years to realise it.

   Around the same time that I first heard about Jonathan’s work, I was becoming increasingly aware of the archetype of the Fool. Aside from fleeting visits in Tarot readings, my first formal meeting with the Fool came via my ongoing training with the School of Energy Awareness (SoEA), when it was depicted as a path on the Tree of Life. On the nature of the importance of the Fool as a vehicle to higher awareness, co-founder Stephen Kane writes, “Our self-concerns fundamentally obstruct our progress. Our endless good reasons for not doing anything “foolish”, “irresponsible”, or anything which takes us beyond our usual comfort zone, prevent us from sometimes taking profoundly necessary steps into the unknown.”

    That same month in 2009, at the Tate Gallery in London, I was to meet the Fool again through the work of artist and poet Cecil Collins. On seeing his paintings, a bridge was made between my inner and outer worlds. I began seeing the Fool within and without – a relationship was formed – and felt that on some level he was now holding my hand.

“I believe that there is in life, and in the human psyche, a certain quality, an inviolate eternal innocence, and this quality I call the Fool. It is a continuous wisdom and compassion that heals with magic and fun. It is the joy of the original Adam in men.”Cecil Collins 1908-1989

    By 2011, my orbits around Jonathan Kay were becoming increasingly shorter, whilst my willingness to step outside of my comfort zone had grown stronger. So when I was invited to one of his five-day workshops, I said yes. People’s reactions when I told them I was going varied from looks of horror to wise and knowing nods of approval. But still it remained a mystery as to what the workshop was actually about. Or what would happen. Not unlike the depiction of the Fool on the Tarot card, I was walking into the unknown.

Tarot Fool (Rider-Waite deck)

     And unknown it shall remain. Sorry about that. But six five-day workshops and a decision to train with the Nomadic Academy of Fools later, I believe not knowing what happens on a workshop before you go, and not sharing the details of what happened is part of the magic. But I can tell you how my work with Jonathan is changing me. How it’s touching me. How it’s persistently throwing me off the ledge only to teach me how to fly. And I can give you a glimpse of my revelation that came with the realisation that the thing I was avoiding, the thing beyond the ledge, was my greatest gift.

     As for who it applies to, this work and the benefits thereof, the answer is anyone who longs to create instead of be created. Anyone who wants to become free of the thoughts, patterns and behaviours that keep us trapped in a limited experience of who we are. In essence, anyone who is willing to notice the shackles that bind us, to unlock them … and make a run for freedom! Of course, with its roots firmly planted in performance and improvisation, it’s perfect for performers and speakers of all kinds – which was the deal-breaker for me to attend one of Jonathan’s workshops. With a book tour coming up, I was painfully aware that I really didn’t want to do ‘talks’ anymore. I wanted to share experiences, not to talk at people but to engage with them and have some fun. The Fool seemed to me to be the perfect companion.

     My experience on the first two workshops was light, flirty and fun; a reflection of how I then saw myself perhaps. Only they were a reflection of my surface; of the superficial. In the first workshop, ‘Know One’s Fool’, I watched as other people boldly went deeper, and noticed something waking up inside of me, something that wanted to be discovered … seen. The part of me that had been scared of being seen was actually my superficial self, what some might call the ego. Underneath that, squished away in a dusty box in the attic of my psyche, another part of me was longing to be heard. Hence I booked onto a third workshop, and subsequently signed myself up for the whole year.

     Initially people around me, friends, family and colleagues, were keen to know how this would benefit me. How could I justify spending time and money fooling around? Didn’t I have a new career to focus on? A child to single parent? Yes. I did. But I resisted explaining and asked them to trust me. Or not. But at least to watch what unfolds. Already, after just a few months, their questions have been answered without words. As have mine. (I had doubts too.) I could write a book about all the ways it’s affecting me, but I’ll try to summise the highlights for you here.

I’ve become a better mother. That has to be highlight number one. I’m more present with my son, more creative and more attentive – more ‘mother’ than ever before. He thinks so too – it’s not just me being self-congratulatory. Honest. Call him up if you want.

My relationships have grown stronger. I’m more tolerant, forgiving and can see much more clearly how I was creating the difficulties I was experiencing.

I’m less stressed. My tendency to split myself between roles: mother, writer, presenter, lover, daughter, friend etc., is easing. The discoveries I’m making on the workshops are sewing them all together; a rich tapestry of activities and relationships to be present with, instead of a series of tasks that need doing.

I’m learning to accept my shadow. Something I denied for many years. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that, but I really thought if I didn’t look at it and focused on the light it’d go away! Thankfully the Fool is helping me to see things another way. Jonathan frequently uses the phrase ‘an affectionate alliance‘ – and it’s this attitude that I’m beginning to foster towards my shadows.

     I could go on. But I realise I’m in dangerous territory: that of the nauseatingly positive workshop convert. So I’ll balance it out with the other side. (See how I’m getting the hang of this shadow stuff?) Many nights I’ve come home from the workshop in tears. Other nights I’ve been so shattered, emotionally and physically, that I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa before putting my son to bed. There have been times when I’ve wanted to quit, run away and pretend it never happened. But I can honestly say the good stuff – the process of awakening and homecoming, the unravelling and the discovering – far outweigh the challenges. Which is why I’m still loving it, despite the reluctance that sometimes springs up courtesy of the parts of me that resist change. The rest of me, the part that longs to sing, dance, create and fly is beginning to wake up. I don’t think after a year I’ll be done, I see this journey as a part of my life now, not as something to complete or tick off the list. Each year, the new intake of fools join the Nomadic Academy of Fools at the ‘Eternal Great Beginning’ at their theatre in Spilsby, Lincolnshire. The name of this event sums up the energy of Jonathan’s workshops and also of the other Fools, that there’s no end to this work, that we can simply begin, and begin again. No one is a teacher, no one can qualify and no one can ever arrive. One can only begin to know one’s fool, and share in the love that knowledge brings. And it’s in that spirit that I shall too begin. Again.

To find out more about Jonathan Kay and forthcoming dates for his workshops in Glastonbury, visit jonathankay.co.uk
For more information on trainings with The School of Energy Awareness visit energizeyourlife.org

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By 11 February, 2012 Filed Under: being here now, spiritual warrior, work + creativity Tagged With: , , , ,

my all time top tip for procrastinators everywhere

Do you often find yourself putting off your most important tasks? Do you end up doing the things you really could do tomorrow instead of doing what you need to do today? I know I do. But when it gets too much, when it gets so blatantly obvious that I’m avoiding something, I pull out my secret weapon: the power hour. First though, let’s look at what’s in between you and your ability to ‘show up’ for the task in hand. (Or heart.)


meet your procrastination

Procrastination is a sneaky fellow. He’s convincing too. He’ll advise you to focus on all your other tasks, so you feel good about all the stuff you’re getting done. Yet he’s superficial; your feel-good factor soon fizzles away as you realise you’ve spent another day doing everything but what you really needed to do. That’s procrastination. When you know what he looks like, you’ll have a better chance of catching him in the act.


remember what you really want

Do you really need the sink to be clear of dishes before you do your morning writing? Is your nipping out to the shops instead of sitting at your canvas absolutely necessary? It helps to check in with what really matters to you. If having a clean and tidy home or that latest superfood from the shops is what you value above your creativity/well-being/success/add your own goal — then great — do it! But if you feel you’re neglecting something important, something that makes your life brighter in some way, then give it an hour in which it matters most.


what’s really stopping you?

This is the biggie. Many of us have a grasp of our gremlins–the judgements we carry about ourselves that keep us small, dull, scared. My own judgement is ‘I’m unloveable’. This translates into everyday gremliness as ‘What’s the point in doing my writing — what if they don’t like it?’ and other such scripts. It sits on my desk in a soppy, sad, worthless way and, if I let it, would quite happily (or miserably) run the whole operation. Some days it does. We all have days, moments like that, when our judgements rule our thoughts and subsequently our behaviour. But then the shiny one inside speaks. We all have one of those too. ‘It’s okay gremlin, you just sit there. I love you – but you won’t hear that and that’s fine. Right now I’ve got some shimmering, shining and sparkling to do! Ta DAH!’ And so the light breaks through. See if you can see what your judgement is… and then decide who gets to be centre stage in the next moment. And the next.


keep it simple with the power hour

Out of all the time-management courses I’ve been on, both online and in person, the best and most practical tip that really has stood the test of time is the power hour. Sometimes big tasks, or even little tasks that matter, can seem completely overwhelming. So we tend to do something else instead. But with the power hour, you just show up. It’s a window. You set aside one hour, in which you commit to show up for your task — whatever it is. You go to the loo beforehand, you eat, you drink, you spin on your head: do what you need to do before you start your hour. Your power hour is your sacred time, in which you give your full attention to your task, no phone answering, no email checking, no facebook. Because it’s only an hour, you’ll feel like it’s doable. Can I give this task the whole day that it needs? Maybe not. Can I give it an hour? Definitely! It doesn’t matter if nothing much flows or happens, simply showing up for your task is where it starts. Then, more often that not, you’ll find your hour slips into two… but that’s up to you. If you have space to keep in the flow, flow! If not, come back to it tomorrow for another power hour. It’s a truly great way to pull the energy back from procrastination and the gremlin. They’ll still be there, but you’ll be amazed at how little they have to say during your power hour.


feel the satisfaction

Rewards are fun. Give yourself a cup of tea or coffee after your hour’s up. Or something juicier. Or carry on flowing and creating and feel the immeasurable satisfaction that comes when you just showed up to shine. Procrastination? Pah. The power hour just knocked him out.

(with thanks to jonathankay.co.uk for the ‘judgement’ & ‘shiny one’ work recently, and to thewholemama.com for continued inspiration. x)

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By 11 October, 2011 Filed Under: being here now, work + creativity

how byron katie helped get me off the thought train

I’ve been getting carried away on the thought train. Which is different to a train of thought. A train of thought implies, to me, a sense of consciously following something to a specific destination; a way of working something out. But recently my thoughts have been more like high-speed, careering locomotives, sucking me off the ‘witness’ platform as they pass and dragging me down a track I’m not sure I want to be going down. By witness platform, I mean that part of my consciousness that when connected to, allows me to witness my thoughts as just that; thoughts.

There are many factors contributing to how firmly my feet stay planted on the witness platform. What I ate or drank a few hours earlier (or the night before if I happen to get whisked away on a thought train before I even get out of bed) is one of them. Sugar is notorious for playing havoc with our moods; for me refined or high GI foods (carbohydrates that rapidly convert into sugars) can often be the reason I get hooked by a passing, usually unhelpful, thought. Another factor affecting how peacefully a thought can pass me by is my environment; depending on my sensitivity I may be influenced by the people I’m engaged with or by the energetics of the room or place. Have you ever noticed how in some rooms, or around certain people, you don’t feel clear or you notice yourself feeling down? It doesn’t mean that the person or place is bad for you, but shows you that certain aspects of that person or room are challenging your ability to stay connected, present and relaxed. It could be the umpteen wifi signals, the fact that the person you’re talking to is always moaning, or a hundred other things. But what matters in the moment, perhaps more than the reason behind it, is your ability to notice your thoughts and how they’re being affected. Another factor that determines how affected by a thought we are is whether or not it’s pressing one of our buttons. Our buttons, or karmas, are those inner hotspots that get triggered by outside events. And they’re unique to us. We may share similar karmas (take over-eating as an example) but our karmas are particular to us; they point out the parts of us in need of strengthening in order to hold more energy — to be who we are capable of being. Which is why one thought might pass swiftly through one person’s station without so much as a ripple whilst another gets completely knocked off of their feet by it. So it’s a combination of our energy levels at the time (right food, enough sleep, harmonious environment) along with the nature of our karmas that define our capacity to stay rooted in the magic of the present moment — regardless of what thoughts we’re witnessing.

My food, environment and sleep are something I’m pretty good at working to my advantage. Yet recently, despite eating well, being in the right place and having had enough sleep I still found myself getting hooked in and dragged down by certain thoughts. So I turned to the experts. A friend recommended I check out Byron Katie, a modern master of separating the suffering out of our thoughts. And I must say how brilliantly helpful I found it. Katie introduces four questions that trigger a process which can’t help but diffuse the ‘power’ that we sometimes assign to our thoughts. The first question being, is it true? I was surprised to discover just how often I answer ‘no’ to that question. But whilst ‘The Work‘ takes some time, energy and commitment, something about the way Katie writes brings me a sense of relief, lightness and humour. As I read her book, Loving What Is, I found myself smiling, sighing (with relief) and at times even crying as the powerful simplicity of her insights poured off the page and into my awareness. Where, hopefully, these insights now sit, working their way into my everyday life.

As it was such a help for me over the past couple of weeks I thought I’d pass it on. I’m finding myself less wobbled by the thought trains as they come and go, and perhaps more importantly, I’m less inclined to keep adding carriages of meaning and attachment to them. Which is a good thing. Instead, when I notice myself getting dragged away from the present moment, I ask myself, is it true? Often, just the act of initiating the four questions is enough to prevent me getting swept away. (And if I’m honest, I’m busy. The thought of spending time working out the four questions is enough motivation to stop me in my tracks and choose to put my energy into something else instead!) If your thoughts are having their way with you and distracting you from having your own, higher-energy way with yourself, then I hope it helps. It did me.

p.s. Unfortunately I’m unable to make it, but if you want to go deeper with ‘the work’ Byron Katie’s giving a 1-day workshop in London on the 16th July!

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By 7 May, 2011 Filed Under: being here now, happiness articles Tagged With: , ,

remembering the merry dance of liberation

Recently in my print column for the Green Parent magazine, I wrote about the importance of remembering to focus on the good stuff. I’d become acutely aware of how easily the positive things we see in each other get eclipsed by the negative, and I made a promise to myself to do just that; to pay less attention to my son’s weak spots and cherish the good instead. Happily, the ‘Plate of Positivity’ experience (in which my son and I wrote nice things about each other on paper plates – see :59 seconds for more details) didn’t fade and I can say now, some months down the line, that I’m much more appreciative and aware of his talents, gifts and good nature than ever before. The other stuff is still there, but I’ve chosen not to focus on it. The changes are tangible.

I love this personal development stuff. Learning as we go. Experiencing some undoing of the learned habits and patterns of generations and lifetimes and replacing them instead with healthier ones. Or so we hope. In fact only yesterday I was talking on the phone to my favourite author, Isabel Losada. I’d mentioned the process I was going through with my own parents, specifically how being raised by two very loving parents who’d showered me with attention and positive praise had brought it’s own share of problems. She reminded me of a quote from her book, in which she says whatever we do as parents, we can pretty much be assured our kids will require some kind of therapy to get over it. I was reminded, again, that it always comes back to our own journey; doing the best we can with our available knowledge and understanding at the time. And, if we’re into personal and spiritual development, doing things that enable us to be more loving and compassionate towards each other and ourselves.

The Plate of Positivity was a monumental step towards being more loving and compassionate with each other (the ‘other’ in this case being my son). Naturally, the next fruit to ripen on the branch was the following part; being more loving and compassionate towards ourselves. After weeks of consciously practising being kinder and more accepting of others, I was suddenly able to see just how hard I am on myself. Underlying the outward projections and judgements of my son (or friends, or family) not being kind / clever / good enough, was the incessantly ranting voice in my own head that I was under-achieving. In all areas of my life. Not working hard enough. Not earning enough. Not parenting well enough. Not loving my boyfriend well enough. Not being a good enough friend. Not meditating long enough. I bet you’re exhausted just reading that list! And I was totally fucking exhausted from living my life in that way. That’s why I was tired. That’s why I was anxious. That’s why I was stressing out. And that’s why I was scared of dying. (Because how could it possibly be okay to die when I had so much to do? I wasn’t successful yet. I wasn’t married yet. And I wasn’t anywhere near enlightened yet!) So I sought help. Thankfully I have some great teachers in my life who helped me realise where all these beliefs had come from, and also reminded me of my ability to give this stuff away. I gave myself permission to give up my dreams. Because they weren’t really my dreams and they were causing me a whole lot of suffering. I gave myself permission to take LIFETIMES working this stuff out, because despite what I’ve been telling myself for years, there’s no urgency. I gave myself permission to be human, because I am.

Photo by Leva Klavina

Relief has since been sweeping through the open skies of my mind for days now. Huge, welcoming, soaring waves of relief. It’s all okay. It always has been okay, and always will be, only my mind got tangled up in the illusion that it wasn’t. But it is! And now I can choose not to listen to the taskmaster in my head, who regularly tries to lure me back into the familiar panic of Do More, Be Better. Of course I still want to do more positive things and be more loving, but I’ll do it without the stress, thank-you very much. In my own time. However many lifetimes or moments or breaths or pauses that takes. Because, and here’s the gem sparkling underneath all these layers, there is no reaching or getting or doing. There is just Being. Here. Now. I can still write because in doing so I find my peace, my joy and my heart. (Not to achieve this, that or the other.) I can lie next to the fire with Elliot doing his spelling, I can pay for his piano lessons and we can read for hours because we enjoy it. (Not because I need to raise a clever/successful/charming son.) I can do my practices each day because they bring me realisations such as these; freedom from the things that stop me from Being. Here. Now. (Not because I need to be an enlightened super-goddess in her last incarnation on Earth.)

I am dancing the merry dance of liberation. And it feels amazing. In this upwardly ascending spiral comes the increasing acceptance of others too; in giving myself permission to be a human being (which I still find laughable in itself!) I’m letting others be. No pressure. No big deal. No hurry. All is well. I can’t believe what a grip these wacky ideas have had on me. Since letting them go my shoulders have dropped an inch either side. I give thanks to the Gods of Reflection, Awareness and Letting Go, for sitting me down in life’s great armchair and reminding me how to sit still. Which funnily enough, is the more or less the name of the next book I’m about to read. But for the moment, here’s to simply Being. Here. Now.

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By 17 January, 2011 Filed Under: being here now, parenting Tagged With: , , ,
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